Second day packing.

 

It's so foggy outside. Just like my life, can't see anything ahead of me. I am waiting the sun to come out, the light up the earth, to light up my heart. I know it will come, sooner or later. I am waiting, patiently. What else can I do? To pack up my past and get ready to move on.

 

Finished packing all my snoopy things, surprisingly little, only a tiny box. I have the feeling that my life is all surrounded by snoopies, but it actually takes only 2 or 3 pieces to filled my life, and my heard feels so full. Is that because I pay more attention to them so I feel more about them than other things (like my law books?)? OR, is it because it's my love, so it doesn't take a lot to make me happy? I can sit/lay there and read the Peanuts for the whole night, at peace and delighted. Life is hard and cruel, but there is always a way out, or at least a place to hide, for example, a blanket or to write stories with the same beginning or to pretent I am someone else. One piece I like a lot is that, when Snoopy is jugging, he talks to his ears, he talks to his nose, his eyes, his toes, his figures, his heart, his lung, his leg... and he comes to the conclusion that "WHO SAYS JUGGING IS LONELY?!" We do horrible things in our lives. Linus once tells Charlie that he met the most beautiful girl in the world when he's waiting for the school bus. "She's so pretty and delighting, and she's looking at me and smiling. Linus says. "SO I HIT HER ON THE FACE. " That's life, we screw the things we care the most, we want the most.

 

Talking to my long time friend, Sunnie. We were talking about "expectations". It's so hard for me not to have expecations on the things that I care. But it's so ironic that things only come to me when I don't care any more. Is that because I am not patient enough, or just because I actually do a better job when I don't have expectation on the results? I asked Sunnie to teach me how to not have expectations on things. She told me:" IT'S THE PROCESS THAT METTERS, NOT THE RESULTS...BECAUSE WE LEARN FROM THE TRIALS, NOT FROM THE RESULTS. " That's wisdom. I want to learn. I should just focus on the process, and enjoy the presence. Start with focusing on and enjoying packing.

 

The sun is out, smiling happily. Laying under the sun, being embraced. It's as warm as the arms and shoulders. THE SUN IS NEW EVERYDAY. No matter how hard it rained yesterday, it's good to know we always have a second day. Enjoying the sunshine, not every efficient in packing.

 

The night comes, again. Quitely, peacefully, slowly, strongly.

 

I thought clothes are the easiest to pack, and started putting away the clothes hanging in the closet. I was wrong. It's a lot of work to put away our outfits. We put on different costumes and change our masks. Who is the true Holly deep inside? Who I want to be?

 

Finally, done. Almost 30 months in the US, I stored a lot of things. Have my mind enriched as much as my lunggages? I hope so.

 

"WE HAVE TIME." Maybe time is all we need.

 

 

Ok, summary. I have:

3 huge suitcases

1 small suitcase

3 big boxes

3 small boxes

3 stacks of books

3 bages of bed sheets and stuffing toys

1 big bride doll

1 bamboo

1 cage of 2 fat hamster and their food & JUST HAVE 6 MORE BABY HAMSTERS !!!!!  I HAVE 8 HAMSTERS NOW! BIG FAMILY!

1 tea table

1 bag

1 bike

& 1 25-year-old girl (NUTS)

Gonna move this weekend, staying at home and packing now. It's the first time I do the packing all by myself.

 

So many things to sort - books, clothes, snoopies, foods, skin cares, memories...

 

I just finishing packing all my books. I am surprise how many law books I have, like 90% of the books I have are about law, half are about environmental law. Obvioulsy, my 5 years legal education has deeper impacts and profounder influence on me than I thought or expected. Remember that night, I was kind of drunk and high, talking with my friend. I was so happy then, for no reason, I started picking up on my friend. Making no sence, just wanted to prove that he's wrong and I was right; and whenever he asked me a question, I became so skeptical and asked him to defined the keyword. For example, he's asking me my opinion about "relationship". "Please define 'relationship'". I ended up not asnwering any of his questions and being safe.  I was purely happy doing that, being so mean and picky and whatever I couldn't be in daily life. I suddenly realize what I wanted to be and who I was.  Maybe I am not the thoughtful, nice and sweet Holly, I am the offensive, witchy and foxy Holly.

 

Just had dinner with my flatmate David, and realized how luck I have been to have all these super nice flatmates of mine - Alan and David. They take care of me, talk to me, and share my happiness and sadness. They are my good friends and always there when I need someone, but how much I cherrish them? I won't have any flatmate any more, who is going to take care of me? who is going to buy me dinner when I am too lazy to cook? who is going to tell me I am cute and beautiful when I am depressed? who is going to sit there and listen to my stories and look at me crying when some guy breaks my heart?

 

"Life is like a playstage, and people put on their clothes as their costumes and perform on it." Finished packing half of my clothes, and it's the first and only time I am glad I don't have more clothes. Finally, after 25 years, some people think I have good taste on dressing. I am so flattered, especially one of them had lived in Pairs for a year. And if any of my dear long time friends still have doubts on my dressing taste, please feel free to contact me, and I am more than happy to offer you the contact of my recommendation.

 

Seems I am not that kind of women who are stuck in kichen. Took only 30 minutes to put everything in two boxes. Actually, I don't have anything substantial. My mom even didn't know how to cook at all when she married my dad, at least I know how to make soup and porriage and something else. There's a book called "French Women Don't Get Fat", we should all be eating for pleasure. The key is "Not guilt or deprivation but learning to get the most from the things you most enjoy." oops, too far away from my packing, which is definitely not the thing I enjoy the most.

 

Kind of late now. Still have to work tomorrow. My mom used to tell me “时间过半，饭量过半”when she wanted to make sure I could finish eating my meal within the limited time (45 minutes a meal, and I alway had problems to finished in time...). I hope I have packed half of my total crabs since I only have one day left before I moved this weekend.

 

(To be continue, just as my packing...)

 

I am grateful for this place, for everything it brings me. It's just time for me to move on.